The Silent Grief We Carry

I remember my therapist telling me that we often relive our grief and trauma when our children are passing through the same age/stage of when ours happened. I now truly understand what she meant.

One of the hardest times in my life was the summer after my college graduation. My friends moved away, eager to start their new lives in new cities. I was left alone in an empty apartment. Our move out date wasn’t until July 31, so I thought I’d just keep waitressing that summer. And, I honestly wanted to delay the inevitable, that I needed to start my adult life. School was over. Staring into the abyss of a non-school focused life was too much to easily accept.

Fast forward to my daughter graduating from college, and moving into a new city to start her new adult life. I find myself simultaneously excited for her and feeling deeply sad because of my past. I think the transition out of school is one of the hardest, because who even are we when we give up the only thing we’ve ever known? School is our life for 13, 17, or even more years. And when it is over, we lose our identity, at least temporarily.

I’m still amazed how fresh my grief feels more than 30 years later. It makes my stomach tighten, my heart flip-flop, and my eye twitch. It’s okay. I have so many more ways of dealing with the feelings now. Many therapy sessions and lots of personal exploration have helped me recognize what is happening. In the past I may have run away from the feelings, shoved them down for another day. Now I allow them to come. It’s the only way to truly be free.

Grief is one of those feelings that we all understand, but may only notice it after the death of a loved one. I think I’ve been carrying many different types of grief for a long time, and maybe you have, too. I carry the grief from missed opportunities, from the body that once didn’t ache, from friendships lost. I carry the grief of an empty nest, changed relationships, and things that were not to be.

Carrying silent grief is something we all do, because no one wants to talk about grief or console you for too long. Good friends will hold space for it, but even they may tire before you are done processing. It is for these reasons I think so many of us try to shove it down and move on. We try to get back to “normal” because that’s what everyone around us expects us to do. They want us to be the way we were before our grief took over our lives.

But here’s the sticky part. We can’t go back to normal. Grief almost always changes us. We won’t be the same as we once were. Even when we work through the grief, even when we have the best therapist, even when we are feeling healed, the memory of grief lives within us. Our joints carry the past pain, our heart feels the loss, and our minds remember every detail of the hurt.

So, what are we to do? It’s best to take your time. Healing always takes time, and it’s never a completed job, so there’s no urgency. Of course, seek a good therapist, as they will be able to expertly guide you through difficulties. But also find out how you best work through emotion.

I journal early in the morning. My grief can pour out into the pages as my eyes empty of their tears. I also practice yoga and somatics. Yoga helps me move my body in safe and familiar ways. Somatic practices allow me to dive into the experience of emotion within my physical body.

In addition to allowing emotions to flow and move through, I spend time each day regulating my nervous system with pranayama. I also fill my cup with meditation and spending time in the Akashic Records.

I know it sounds like a lot, but I can do most of these things in less than an hour. I wake up early to make sure I don’t miss these practices as they are essential. I am my best, fully present self when I do so.

I encourage you to reflect upon your own inner world. Do you have silent grief that you’ve been carrying, and for how long? What would your life be like if you were able to process it and let it go? Sometimes we’ve held onto it for so long that it becomes part of us. We can’t even imagine what our lives would be like without it. But that’s the point. You have to start imagining it before it can happen. If you can pinpoint the desire and follow through with the plan, meaningful change becomes possible.

Again, find yourself a good therapist, healer, or doctor that can help you get started. And know that you are not alone. Grief is a human experience that everyone faces at one time or another. If you need help with putting together a plan that includes yoga, meditation, pranayama, or Ayurveda, then we should talk. I have a free, no obligation phone/Zoom call to see if I can be of service along your path. Be well.